What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish
Girl: What did you get that little medal for?
Boy: For singing
Girl: What did you get the big one for?
Boy: For stopping!
Why was the policeman hiding in the tree?
He was a member of the special branch
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on a head and I'll hang around.
Boyfriend: Will you remember me forever?
Girlfriend: Yes, of course I will!
Girlfriend: Who's there?
Boyfriend: See, you forgot me already!
-- Lowrie, age 8
Once there was a man and it was his birthday. On his birthday he decided he wanted to talk to God. So he asked God, "God how much is a million dollars?" God said, "Well to me it's like a penny." So the man asked another question, "Well then how long is a million years?" Then God said, "Well to me it's like a second. Then the man said, God can I have a penny?" God replied, "In a second."
-- Anna, age 8
Jake went to pick up his girlfriend for a baseball game. She came out in hats, sweaters, gloves,and other warm clothing. Jake said, "Why in the world are you dressed in all of that stuff!?." She said,"Because you said there would be more than 1,000 fans there!"
-- Alex, age 10
One day there was a man who went into a bar. He drank lots of
wine until he was drunk. He went out of the bar without
paying. The cashier and the manager tried to stop him. But,
instead of paying he said, "Look out, I'm a karate expert."
The cashier told the manager to let him go and hire two
karate experts to challenge him. The next day that man came
again and drank lots of wine. He went out without paying
again.This time the two karate experts stopped him. But
still he said, " Look out, I'm a karate expert." The two
karate experts said, "So are we." The man replied, "You are
-- Mariam, age 9
Nancy: I lost my cat!
Susie: That's too bad! Did you put an ad in the paper?
Nancy: That wouldn't help. My cat can't read.
Sally: Does you dog have a license?
Larry: No, she's not old enough to drive.
Joey: My mother can hold a car up with one hand.
Mike: She must be very strong.
Joey: Nope, she is a police officer.
A man sits down at a resturant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea"
-- Laura Napolil
If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?
-- David Charriere
Jack: Mummy, can I go and play at my friend's house?
Mummy: Of course, but don't cross the road until a car goes by, then you cross.
So Jack went out of the house. After a few hours, Mummy waited anxiously for Jack to come home . Then she found Jack outside their house.
Mummy: Why are you still here?
Jack: No car has passed by yet, so I haven't crossed the road yet.
-- Anjana, Age 13
There was a lady who was going to Disneyland.
Upon approaching the city she saw a sign that read "Disneyland Left" so she turned around and went back home.
-- Adam, Age 10
Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other,"Are we poisonous snakes?" The other replied," You better believe we are! We're rattlesnakes, why do you ask?" To which the first replied," I just bit my tongue."
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
A little boy stops in front of a church with his
bike and he sees the priest come out. The priest says "Come inside, I want to show
you something". The little boy says to the priest, "But somebody will steal my
bike". The priest says to him "Don't worry, the Holy Spirit will watch it".
So the little boy goes inside and the priest says, "Let me show you how to do the
sign of the cross. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Now you
try it". So the boy says, "In the name of the Father and the Son, Amen".
The priest says, "What happened to the Holy Spirit?" The boy replied "He's
outside, watching my bike".
-- Laura aged 11
Once upon a time there was a pastor. He was
driving down the road and his car broke down. He got out and started walking. Soon, he
came to a farm. He asked the farmer if he could borrow a horse. The farmer agreed, but
warned: "Sir, but this isn't no ordinary horse. You have to say "praise the
Lord" to make it go, and "Amen" to make it stop". The pastor said
"Oh, that's easy, I'm a pastor. So he jumped on the horse and said "Praise the
Lord!" and the horse took off down the road. About an hour down the road (close to
his destination), a rattlesnake came out in front of the horse, and the horse, rather
startled turned and ran off the road, through the woods, straight for a cliff. The pastor
forgot what to say, so he said a prayer, and at the end of the prayer, of course, he said
"Amen". Screech!! The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff!
The pastor looked down and sees all of the thousands of feet down that he had almost
plundered... and to give thanks to God, he yelled out "Praise the Lord!!!!"
-- Thomas Myers
A man and a women walk into a bar and order a drink for
every person in the bar. They are very happy. When the bar-tender asks them why they are
so happy, they reply:
"We finished a jigsaw puzzle in only two months".
"Two months?" the bar-tender exclaimed, "it's not supposed to take that
"That's not true," said the woman, "it said 2 to 4 years on the box."
The church steeple in Port Gibson is very
high, and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half-way down and,
as the steeple was widening out, was taking more and more paint. The painter felt that he
might not have enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and did not care to
make another trip to the ground, he decided to stretch the amount of paint by adding some
paint thinner to it.
When finished, he lowered himself to the ground and went about cleaning up. Then he looked
up to see the results of his work and noted that the area with the thinned paint looked
decidedly different. He was pondering about what to do about it when the sky turned dark
and there was a lightning flash and loud thunderclap. Then in a loud, booming voice from
the sky came the words,
"REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE !"
-- Marlene Norris
There were three rihave to stand up."
-- Jonathan Harris
Once upon a time, there was a policeman
that saw a man sitting in a car with a tiger sitting next to him. The police officer said,
"It's against the law to have a tiger in your car. Take him to the zoo."
The next day the police officer saw the same man in the same car with the same tiger. The
police officer said, "I thought I told you to take that tiger to the zoo."
The man replied, "I did. He liked it. Now we're going to the beach."
-- Lauren Kreager, aged 5
There were 3 tomatoes, a mum, a dad and a
son. The son lagged behind and fell splat on the floor. His dad yelled to him,
-- Paul Acosta
Kid's Mom: Doctor! Doctor! My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Dr.: Hmmmm.Let's hope nothing develops.
Kid: Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Dr.: Next please!